Untitled.
I wonder what people would say about me if they knew about my anxiety. (Undiagnosed.)
I wonder what my family would say if I told them that I get anxious easily. What would everyone - not just my family - think, if I told them about my insecurities and anxieties? What if I said...
That for me, every whisper is about me.
That when I wake up in the morning, I am in bliss because for that brief moment, I forget the mini-panic attacks of yesterday, and am in my pre-caffeinated state, because I forget. I am oblivious.
That when I start to remember, I start to palpitate. That once I remember that I'm wasting my time and being a burden, I feel like I can't move anymore. I remember I am unemployed, single, alone and a burden who can't survive on her own. I remember that I failed the NCLEX twice and wasted six months of my life trying to get it back on track and I should have just passed it the first time to get it over with.
That I get through the mornings trying to make up for things and inevitably failing, and instead do nothing, and fail even more...
That every time someone scolds me for something, no matter how small the deal is, I feel like I can't breathe.
That when a small thing happens to me, it feels like the world is falling apart and that it's squeezing me so hard that I can't think or work properly.
That it's a miracle that I got through college, and performed well in the school publication. (Maybe not well, but... satisfactory.)
That even I surprise myself when I get through an important task. That the face I put on when I speak in front of others, when I host events, when I speak up in class, when I apologize, when I get interviewed, when I appear like the most extroverted, friendly person ever... I'm still a person that gets anxious. That I've only showed my insecurities and my anxieties to the people closest to me.
That once the curtains fall and I'm alone, I review the day and think about the things I did wrong. That I smiled to the wrong people, said things to the wrong people, and was silent when I should have spoken up. That the Facebook status I put up would affect people. That my newest profile picture wouldn't make my family happy for whatever reason.
That once I'm in bed, it's hard for me to sleep because I overthink every detail of the day and figure out what went wrong... and when something really does go wrong, I spend the night thinking about it, because once it's in my head, it's a stamp and it will never go away in my head.
That the reason why I sleep like a rock is because I think, subconsciously, that sleeping without dreams is the best thing in the world.
I wonder what they would think?
I wonder what my family would say if I told them that I get anxious easily. What would everyone - not just my family - think, if I told them about my insecurities and anxieties? What if I said...
That for me, every whisper is about me.
That when I wake up in the morning, I am in bliss because for that brief moment, I forget the mini-panic attacks of yesterday, and am in my pre-caffeinated state, because I forget. I am oblivious.
That when I start to remember, I start to palpitate. That once I remember that I'm wasting my time and being a burden, I feel like I can't move anymore. I remember I am unemployed, single, alone and a burden who can't survive on her own. I remember that I failed the NCLEX twice and wasted six months of my life trying to get it back on track and I should have just passed it the first time to get it over with.
That I get through the mornings trying to make up for things and inevitably failing, and instead do nothing, and fail even more...
That every time someone scolds me for something, no matter how small the deal is, I feel like I can't breathe.
That when a small thing happens to me, it feels like the world is falling apart and that it's squeezing me so hard that I can't think or work properly.
That it's a miracle that I got through college, and performed well in the school publication. (Maybe not well, but... satisfactory.)
That even I surprise myself when I get through an important task. That the face I put on when I speak in front of others, when I host events, when I speak up in class, when I apologize, when I get interviewed, when I appear like the most extroverted, friendly person ever... I'm still a person that gets anxious. That I've only showed my insecurities and my anxieties to the people closest to me.
That once the curtains fall and I'm alone, I review the day and think about the things I did wrong. That I smiled to the wrong people, said things to the wrong people, and was silent when I should have spoken up. That the Facebook status I put up would affect people. That my newest profile picture wouldn't make my family happy for whatever reason.
That once I'm in bed, it's hard for me to sleep because I overthink every detail of the day and figure out what went wrong... and when something really does go wrong, I spend the night thinking about it, because once it's in my head, it's a stamp and it will never go away in my head.
That the reason why I sleep like a rock is because I think, subconsciously, that sleeping without dreams is the best thing in the world.
I wonder what they would think?
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