I don't want to | I really want to
I've managed not to blog out my feelings for the entire month of February (and missed the chance to blog on February 29... Damn it. Such a wasted opportunity.) and now, I'm back! ...and I probably won't be able to post again for a while. Adulthood is finally catching up to me - I'm finally about to take the next big step in my career (exactly 1 year after graduation), which I'm really excited about. But for some reason, there were four words that were blaring in my head: I don't want to.
I don't want to grow up and have problems. I just want to keep on studying and relaxing, when someone else gives me money instead of me having to grind early hours of the morning to complete articles before the deadline (part time job) just so I can afford to eat out with my friends every once in a while.
I don't want to leave the place I've actually become familiar with. Despite it not being home, I've grown accustomed to it, and tolerated it. While I may be yearning for some other place, the fact remains that I might not be able to be 'home' for a while, and be ferried off to different states. It's not the same as home, and I'm terrified that I'll never love it again.
I don't want to work. I'm terrified of making mistakes in the workplace. It was fine when I was a student; sure, I might not have appreciated having like nine thousand eyes watching every single move I made. But this helped me prevent making mistakes. How can I stop myself from doing something wrong when I'll be the one calling the shots? There's more at stake this time, not just my pride.
As I wrote those three major 'I don't want to's', I couldn't help but think of other reasons why I should be excited to move on with my life. And I wrote, I really want to.
I really want to see new places. There's so much more in the world than the little I've seen. So much more than the clean streets of Taiwan or the happy faces of the Filipinos, or the first snow of New York or the cherry blossoms in the cul de sac where I grew up. I want to see Big Ben and the Leaning Tower of Pisa, go to Brazil and China, and Canada and Rome. I want to go back and experience Hawaii as an adult, not as a child. And I can only do that if I leave.
I really want to see myself grow as a person. I want to fall in love and get heartbroken. I want to know what it's like to walk on a street, holding someone's hand. I want to cuddle with someone when it's raining, and actually have someone to eat with, rather than watching my cellphone as I sit at a fast food chain by myself. I want to teach myself how to drink, and teach myself to be assertive. I want to get into a fist fight with someone, if only to know the feeling of actually hitting someone.
I really want to pursue my dreams. I want to see a title that I conceptualized in the hands of a young person, the child I used to be as I ran my fingers over J.K Rowling's embossed name on the cover of Harry Potter. I want to take a class to help unleash my potential, audition for The Voice if only to meet Adam Levine, stalk Leonardo DiCaprio so that maybe, some day, he'll fall head over heels in love with me. (I'm serious.)
And my really wants actually outweigh the don't wants. So I'll do what I need to do, and just... move forward.
I don't want to grow up and have problems. I just want to keep on studying and relaxing, when someone else gives me money instead of me having to grind early hours of the morning to complete articles before the deadline (part time job) just so I can afford to eat out with my friends every once in a while.
I don't want to leave the place I've actually become familiar with. Despite it not being home, I've grown accustomed to it, and tolerated it. While I may be yearning for some other place, the fact remains that I might not be able to be 'home' for a while, and be ferried off to different states. It's not the same as home, and I'm terrified that I'll never love it again.
I don't want to work. I'm terrified of making mistakes in the workplace. It was fine when I was a student; sure, I might not have appreciated having like nine thousand eyes watching every single move I made. But this helped me prevent making mistakes. How can I stop myself from doing something wrong when I'll be the one calling the shots? There's more at stake this time, not just my pride.
As I wrote those three major 'I don't want to's', I couldn't help but think of other reasons why I should be excited to move on with my life. And I wrote, I really want to.
I really want to see new places. There's so much more in the world than the little I've seen. So much more than the clean streets of Taiwan or the happy faces of the Filipinos, or the first snow of New York or the cherry blossoms in the cul de sac where I grew up. I want to see Big Ben and the Leaning Tower of Pisa, go to Brazil and China, and Canada and Rome. I want to go back and experience Hawaii as an adult, not as a child. And I can only do that if I leave.
I really want to see myself grow as a person. I want to fall in love and get heartbroken. I want to know what it's like to walk on a street, holding someone's hand. I want to cuddle with someone when it's raining, and actually have someone to eat with, rather than watching my cellphone as I sit at a fast food chain by myself. I want to teach myself how to drink, and teach myself to be assertive. I want to get into a fist fight with someone, if only to know the feeling of actually hitting someone.
I really want to pursue my dreams. I want to see a title that I conceptualized in the hands of a young person, the child I used to be as I ran my fingers over J.K Rowling's embossed name on the cover of Harry Potter. I want to take a class to help unleash my potential, audition for The Voice if only to meet Adam Levine, stalk Leonardo DiCaprio so that maybe, some day, he'll fall head over heels in love with me. (I'm serious.)
And my really wants actually outweigh the don't wants. So I'll do what I need to do, and just... move forward.
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