Fifty Shades of I Don't Give a Damn

If there's one thing my friends know about me, besides the obvious, it's one thing: I abhor Fifty Shades of Grey. And if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that people who love this book series/film will definitely want to whip me. And not in the sexy way depicted in the book.

Alright, so maybe 'abhor' is too strong a word. The operative term being 'maybe'. The fact is, FSOG just isn't my cup of tea. Even when my friends dared me to try reading the book despite it's obviously-rated-more-than-thirteen nature, I found it hard to finish, and I was unmotivated to read the next book. 

To make a long story short, I only read the first part of the trilogy. I told my friends that I couldn't stomach it. It was a whole combination of things; the writing style was sloppy, the plot itself was something I wasn't interested in in the first place (which, I know, makes me biased, but still), and the characters were... okay, I didn't really feel a connection with the characters.

Call me a prude. Call me old-fashioned. Call me someone with a bad taste in literature On second thought, don't call me that. But I am, and always will be, firm on this topic: Fifty Shades of Grey is not my cup of tea. So fucking sue me for having an opinion. (Excuse my French)

I. Don't. Give. A. Damn.

So on a whim, a wild, scary whim that had me alone in the house, itching to do something, I realized that I had a copy of the said film in my netbook. Oh, she just said she didn't like the movie? So why the hell does she have a copy in her netbook? Am I not allowed to have a copy on my netbook? It's a free country. Deal with it. Moving on. I clicked it, opened it in VLC, and watched the first twenty minutes in all its 1020p glory. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you the reasons why I only watched twenty minutes of the movie. And let's also include the reasons why I didn't like the book, while we're at it. Hitting two birds with one stone. Chaaa. 

I'm going to be fair. The fact that I tried to watch this movie without judging it straight off the bat was a huge effort in itself. I wanted to see why my friends and classmates forked over money to watch this book. I wanted to like it. I wanted to see what all the buzz was about, and what had middle aged women bring cucumbers and long objects into the movie theaters with them.

If you know what I mean.

You see, for the love of all things, I'm not this negative by nature. I will find the silver lining in everything. And just to placate my friends, who I know are reading this and will kill me the next time they see me, I will also present the good things that I spotted about both the film, and the movie.

There's a reason why this book sells more copies than Harry Potter. E.L. James, apparently, knows how to target her audience and give them what they want.  She puts together a... okay, not so cliche'd pairing of a rich handsome man with a dark secret, and a homely, pretty Mary Sue who practically trembles at the sight of him. And of course everyone goes crazy for that.

Let's see, let's see, what else can I say about this book... Oh, uhm, the supporting characters are cool people. I love Kate. No name biases. Heck, if I were her, I'd be asking Mr. Grey if he were gay, too. 

Alright, let's move on to the meat of my blog post. 

Picking up from where we last started, I started watching the movie... while simultaneously playing Plants vs. Zombies 2 on my phone. Yeah, yeah, I put it away after the opening credits. Don't shoot me. So anyways, I was met with the two very different lifestyles of Alpha Male and Beta Female. Alpha is obviously drowning in cold, hard, cash, and very, very stylish.

Oh yeah. I love Mr. Grey's fashion sense. 

Okay, moving on again. Beta Female is homely, awkwardly silent, and drives a car that looks nothing like the car that Alpha Male is driven to work in (because he has a driver, like all stylish rich men do). Beta Female is then given  an assignment by my favorite character, who is too sick to move. And thus commences The Interview.

You know, I'm going to stop right here. I'm not going to nitpick every single detail I abhorred about Fifty Shades of Grey. It will make me look petty and unreliable. However, I am going to tell you the one thing that made me hit stop, and click that 'x' in the upper right corner of the screen. 

I told you earlier that I was able to witness the first twenty or so minutes of the film. Usually, the scene that sends most people packing is when they get about an hour or so into it, or whenever the sex scenes start. Me? I got turned off by the coffee shop meeting. 

And for someone who hates possessive people, for someone like me who does not find people who become obssessive and possessive about who your friends are, and if you're in a relationship with your co-worker or the photographer at your photoshoot, it's really, really easy for me to dislike a controlling man like Christian Grey.

You see, Mr. Grey said something that made me grind my teeth. He said the one thing that couldn't make me angrier. 

I'm used to getting my way.

And what does that tell you about a person?

It tells you that he won't give a damn about what you think. It tells you that he doesn't care what happens, as long as he gets his way. It tells you that no matter what he says, no matter what you do, it's his way, or the freaking highway. 

And what does the Beta Female reply? 

A coy smile. With a it must be very boring.

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

That is where I put my foot down. Because you do not, you Do Not, ever ignore these warning signs of a possible control freak. Unless, of course, if it's 'your thing'. Which leads me to my next, and final point.

I won't go into the details of a BDSM relationship. Countless blogs have been done about that; I've read them. I've agreed with them. I shared them. And we on the Anti-FSOG movement agree on one thing that I have never verbalized to my real life friends - the BDSM relationship that is portrayed in the books and film is incorrect and faulty.

Real-life practitioners of a BDSM relationship are insulted by the way their lifestyle is portrayed on the screen. Real-life practitioners and other people of the Anti-FOSG movement argue that the relationship in the movie is nowhere near a BDSM relationship; rather, it is bordering on a controlling, depressing, and abusive relationship. 

Why is this romanticized in the film? Teens and young adults crying out for their Christian Grey. This mentality people are experiencing now is far from safe. 

But who am I to judge you?

I'm just a movie watcher and a book reader; a student that has nothing better to do in her life. All I wanted to accomplish was this blog. The altogether emotions of reading the first book and finally seeing the first parts of the movie compelled me to write this blog with more curse words than usual. 

I'd never judge anyone for wanting to watch this movie; hey, this one just wasn't my cup of tea. I'm just stating and spouting facts out at you, the reader, because I have had it. 

And to my real life friends, I still love you.

Just don't kill me.