Petrified, Terrified
There was once a time where, when I was stressed, I would immediately deviate from my path and get stuck in something that would evidently just help me procrastinate and avoid The Thing until it was too late to change anything. Sometimes, it was watching TV. Sometimes, (most of the time) it was fanfiction. Whatever it was, it didn't help. Now, I'd like to think I'm mature enough to avoid these things - and so far, so good.
You see, I'm about to do something that does, in the long run, affect how I live my life for the rest of my life. It's an exam that defines what I will do in the future. While it is true that I can always take the exam again if I fail, it's also true that approximately $700 goes down the drain. It's also true that I will hit a major road bump before moving on in life, when I can spread my wings and fly, and finally do something in life. The thing is, if I fail this exam, this will be the first major thing I've ever failed.
I haven't failed a class, for any grading period, from Kindergarten to my last year in college. I have always been lucky when it comes to swimming. Even though I didn't win the huge research congress, the fact that I qualified is a great feat on its own. I didn't fail my local board exam. If anything, you could say that I failed in friendships and having a social life, but I've gone beyond caring at this point. I'm petrified to fail.
This is not a semester in college. This isn't a regional swimming competition. This isn't an international research congress, or an oral defense of my thesis. This isn't something I can actually bullshit my way through, and this isn't something I can get 'lucky' with. People are used to me passing everything. My friends, my family, my professors and everyone else, they've gotten to the point where I can literally do no wrong. And it puts so much pressure on me.
It's at the point where I don't know how I'm supposed to act if I fail, because all my real friends and family and doing are just keeping my hopes up and unconsciously telling me that even they don't know what they'll do if I fail. For them, I can do no wrong. For them, I will always succeed. For them, I am lucky, I am intelligent, and I am fearless. For them, I can pass this exam with flying colors.
But this is bigger than anything I've ever had to do. Nothing's ever had such a huge impact on what I'll do in the future. I didn't even give that much of a care (although I was pretty on-edge) during the local board exams, mostly because I was confident that this wouldn't do a huge impact on my career. I could take the exam again. Heck, there was the huge possibility that I wouldn't even be practicing here. But this is different. This is huge, and scary, and literally the one thing that will help me move on in life.
This is my future.
I don't need people telling me, 'Of course you'll pass', or 'Stop worrying so much, of course you can do it!'. Because there is, in all reality, a huge possibility that I could fail. Do not put my hopes up. Do not let that be the only thing that is coming out of your mouth. It's pressuring me and terrifying me and it's making me feel so, so nervous.
Thanks for believing in me, though. That much, I can say, is true. I'm flattered that you believe in me, but I know that you do already. Everyone who tells me that I can do it is important to me, and I wouldn't keep you close to me if I thought you didn't believe in me. All I can ask right now, is for people to keep me grounded, and for people to leave me alone long enough so I can study in quiet fervor for the next few weeks.
I'm petrified, and I'm terrified. And now, the only person who can help me get through this, is myself, and the strength and the knowledge I've gathered for the past five years. I am strong, I'm lucky, and I do have my intelligent moments.... but this isn't the time for me to rely on stock knowledge and and luck.
Please, just leave me be, and believe in me from the sidelines. Thank you.
You see, I'm about to do something that does, in the long run, affect how I live my life for the rest of my life. It's an exam that defines what I will do in the future. While it is true that I can always take the exam again if I fail, it's also true that approximately $700 goes down the drain. It's also true that I will hit a major road bump before moving on in life, when I can spread my wings and fly, and finally do something in life. The thing is, if I fail this exam, this will be the first major thing I've ever failed.
I haven't failed a class, for any grading period, from Kindergarten to my last year in college. I have always been lucky when it comes to swimming. Even though I didn't win the huge research congress, the fact that I qualified is a great feat on its own. I didn't fail my local board exam. If anything, you could say that I failed in friendships and having a social life, but I've gone beyond caring at this point. I'm petrified to fail.
This is not a semester in college. This isn't a regional swimming competition. This isn't an international research congress, or an oral defense of my thesis. This isn't something I can actually bullshit my way through, and this isn't something I can get 'lucky' with. People are used to me passing everything. My friends, my family, my professors and everyone else, they've gotten to the point where I can literally do no wrong. And it puts so much pressure on me.
It's at the point where I don't know how I'm supposed to act if I fail, because all my real friends and family and doing are just keeping my hopes up and unconsciously telling me that even they don't know what they'll do if I fail. For them, I can do no wrong. For them, I will always succeed. For them, I am lucky, I am intelligent, and I am fearless. For them, I can pass this exam with flying colors.
But this is bigger than anything I've ever had to do. Nothing's ever had such a huge impact on what I'll do in the future. I didn't even give that much of a care (although I was pretty on-edge) during the local board exams, mostly because I was confident that this wouldn't do a huge impact on my career. I could take the exam again. Heck, there was the huge possibility that I wouldn't even be practicing here. But this is different. This is huge, and scary, and literally the one thing that will help me move on in life.
This is my future.
I don't need people telling me, 'Of course you'll pass', or 'Stop worrying so much, of course you can do it!'. Because there is, in all reality, a huge possibility that I could fail. Do not put my hopes up. Do not let that be the only thing that is coming out of your mouth. It's pressuring me and terrifying me and it's making me feel so, so nervous.
Thanks for believing in me, though. That much, I can say, is true. I'm flattered that you believe in me, but I know that you do already. Everyone who tells me that I can do it is important to me, and I wouldn't keep you close to me if I thought you didn't believe in me. All I can ask right now, is for people to keep me grounded, and for people to leave me alone long enough so I can study in quiet fervor for the next few weeks.
I'm petrified, and I'm terrified. And now, the only person who can help me get through this, is myself, and the strength and the knowledge I've gathered for the past five years. I am strong, I'm lucky, and I do have my intelligent moments.... but this isn't the time for me to rely on stock knowledge and and luck.
Please, just leave me be, and believe in me from the sidelines. Thank you.
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